Epistles To My Ex.

AUTHOR’S NOTE: This was originally supposed to be my 11th post. Procrastination at it’s best, eh? 😉


If you think metaphorical essays on heartbreak and getting back at a particularly douchebag-y ex through alcohol (vodka’s quite popular) is too mainstream, here’s a letter to inspire you to send to your ex and do something other than being a mopey mess over someone who doesn’t even care.

DISCLAIMER: The format of this letter is based on what I think MOST girls would like to say to their previous boyfriends / gutter rat.

To,

A Reminder Of My Worst Choices,

Subject: Expression of my gratitude towards the many things you gave me.

(Name of your ex),
                            Hi! It has been ___ day(s) / week(s) / month(s) / year(s) since I came to my senses and left you / you broke up with me. That was my lucky day.
I’m writing this letter to you (sans any sarcasm, I swear) to thank you (will I ever stop owing you, I wonder) for-

1) Saving the breath I’d lose over telling you how much you mean to me, how much I love you, because now as I see it, it was really pointless. And also, saying your breath STANK would be an understatement. (That explains the large amount of mint gum you got)
2) Being one less of a cause of total freaking out for my parents. They already find it hard to believe that I have the nerve to stay up late when they asked me to go to bed ages ago.
3) Good-naturedly adding your name to the list of names my girlfriends and I can bitch about. Seriously, you have no idea (I don’t either) how long we can go one about this one.
4) Allowing me to have your food. Not paying and getting loads of food is the best feeling in the world (I didn’t even pay attention to the calories)
5) Helping me to finally stop procrastinating and get my eyes checked; because now that we aren’t together anymore, I see how misled I was whenever I saw your face (see below illustration for more clarity on this).

image

6) My friends never liked you. Thanks for granting me the right to openly laugh at their jokes on you and not feeling guilty anymore. Seriously, I’ve never found them more hilarious than now.
7) Giving me your hoodie / t-shirt / (any piece of clothing he gave you). It soaks my pet’s pee / spilt beverage quite nicely.

OR

7) Not giving me your hoodie / t-shirt / (any piece of other piece of clothing). You had no sense of fashion anyway.
8) Giving me access to your social media accounts, credit card, etc. The harm’ll be done by the time this letter reaches you.
By the way, Ugly Daisie from 7th grade (Jesus, I know how she revolts you!) is ecstatic that you want to meet her, again. She especially loved the cheeky pick-up line (“I seem to have forgotten your name. Can I call you mine?”)

9) Lastly, helping me learn a lesson or two about love.
  Give my regards to the deepest parts of your maggot-infested soul, which would be satisfied now that it thinks you’ve hurt me quite well. But, but, but, only tell it- you haven’t. I’m having a ball.

Thankfully not yours,

The One That Got Away.

-Kimaya Ingale.
(PS: The girl in the pictures is me.)

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